long distance relationships

In this age of Skyping and texting, it seems that maintaining a long-distance relationship would be easier than ever before. Gone are the days of paying such sky-high rates for long-distance calls that they need to be rationed like precious jewels. No longer must someone in a long-distance relationship pin all their hopes on their 3 p.m. mail delivery, awaiting a letter whose news is at best four days old. Why, we're no longer even in the days of having to wait for your loved one to settle in with their computer to check email: Instant responses are all but demanded now (perhaps a plus and a minus!). But ask anyone who's in a long-distance relationship: Technology can't make up for everything. The lack of regular physical proximity still seems to make many long-distance relationships as emotionally tough as ever.

                

Different work or school schedules, sleep preferences, and time zones can all wreak havoc on even the most well-intentioned couples when it comes to making time for communicating with each other. Often, a couple can settle into a pattern through inertia, even when it turns out that pattern doesn't work particularly well for one or both. When are you at your best? When can you devote private, unrushed time to conversation? How do you feel about spontaneous texts? Who has the more flexible schedule? What feels like your most intimate part of the day — or the time when you crave connection the most? Who should initiate the contact? Do you prefer a set time no matter what, or should it vary by the day? There's no limit to the types of communication arrangements that can work, as long as they feel mutually satisfying. Be mindful about how you choose a rhythm that works for you, so that resentment and frustration don't build after falling into a pattern that doesn't feel convenient or supportive.

                        Interestingly enough, some research shows that long-distance couples may actually be more satisfied with their communication than geographically close couples are. This may be because they realize how precious their communication opportunities are, and they generally don't have to waste words on day-to-day logistics ("Why didn't you take the trash out?" or "But I want Chinese food — we just did Mexican last week"). Use this to your advantage. If you are in a long-distance relationship, you lack the ability to have a high quantity of communication compared to couples that are together in close proximity, but you do have the potential to even exceed them when it comes to quality. If you have daily bedtime conversations, for instance, give a little thought beforehand to the most important parts of your day to talk about. Realize that since you may not have the benefit of facial expression or physical touch, you'll sometimes need to be a little more deliberate in the words you use. Understand the deficits of a phone call — or even a Skype session — and plan accordingly to make sure you say the things you mean to say. That can help you make sure that the most important, intimacy-building conversations are still being had, no matter how many states (or countries!) separate you.

                        One significant way that long-distance relationships feel markedly different than geographically close ones is that when you are actually together in person, it often feels there is no time to waste. But this can be a double-edged sword. Yes, it may make you less likely to bicker about who forgot to change the toilet-paper roll, but it also might make you succumb to the urge to pack your time together so full that it stresses out one or both of you. I've worked with many people in long-distance relationships who report that they feel quite a lot of pressure to make every in-person moment count; if they only see their partner every two months, for instance, then they understandably want to treat it like a special vacation each and every time. But you mustn't forget that relationship intimacy is built in small moments as well as big ones: spontaneous movie-watching on the couch as well as playing tourist to the sights of your town or finding the hottest restaurants. Make sure to build some breathing room into the times you spend together. Downtime is not wasted time, but rather the opposite: helping both of you breathe and connect.

                           There is no doubt about it: Long-distance relationships require some sacrifice. But it's important to be careful not to sacrifice more than is necessary, which can breed resentment and regret over time. This is especially risky when the long-distance part of the relationship is supposed to last only a brief period of time, but unexpectedly needs to be extended longer, whether due to military deployment, employment challenges, or unexpected financial setbacks. In these cases, one partner may have delayed or even avoided spending time cultivating friendships, interests, or hobbies in their locale, because they didn't think it was worth it — and now they are a couple of years in, wishing that they at least had truly been living more fully in the meantime. It's one thing to look forward to finally being in the same place as your partner; it's quite another to postpone being truly engaged in your life until then. Make sure that you are trying your best to make the most of the life you have in your own locale, in the here and now. Don't isolate yourself, spin your wheels at work, or keep yourself from "bothering" to seek out a sense of community or purpose. Live each day fully, whether your partner is absent or not. Added bonus? It will make the time apart go faster.